musicians say it more than most folks. maybe people living in Las Vegas or Durango. maybe people living in Taos or Morrison, tourist havens (like Golden seems to be moving towards becoming.) maybe ski resort business owners, for whom the seasons consist of winter and three weeks in July-August. (I remember a gig in Alma on July 4th that it snowed. what season is it? well, where in Colorado are you?)
I said it in April, May, June, July this year. what do I do? do I cancel all my gigs and sessions? just hang for six months without income or musical joy? how will I get through this summer?
the blessing and curse of these days is that they come and go. and summer is nearly over. and I kind of made it.
today seems particularly fulfilled, particularly healthy, particularly congruent between me and life.
I've been working a lot. too hard. a week ago Saturday, I had off, and just went...I am not only Kentucky Fried, but Extra Crispy. I must not do this to myself.
that was the week before Wednesday - Acoustic reJuveniles rehearsal in the early afternoon, gig with sound with the Modniks at night , Thursday - set up the PA in Golden for Lost Alamos and rehearse all day, Friday - all day rehearsal with Christy and night gig with Lost Alamos, and Saturday - eight hours of Woodstock.
the point is, I'm doing an occasionally adequate imitation of my former self.
I've gone from, how am I going to get through this summer, from dealing with the possibility of losing both singing and playing music from my life, to being able to make some improvemants in the PA, the studio, and the stereo that I have wanted to make for decades. from a threatened global minus to a real solid plus.
it's not entirely objective. I think I needed to do it a little too much. I think I'm enjoying it as I always would have, but with a hurt angry desperate edge as well. I don't have to stay in fear and worry and negativity! I am not helpless! I am not vulnerable! I do have control!
yeah, dream on.
it took the best tricks of a team of geniuses to get me where I am today. a conspiracy of miracles, and the focused will of many caring blog readers to shield me from what could have been.
I refuse to be anything but healthy until I am proven otherwise. but the first scan is going to be at the end of October, just before my birthday. it will be great to have that to celebrate.
but I will have five years of too frequent reminders that I am vulnerable as hell. and even after that, the chance of cancer recurrence doesn't go away any more than the chance of a tree falling on me, or The Eagles doing another album.
I've seen hell freeze over. just like intimacy, living is vulnerability.
but today, only a fool would budget a lot of energy worrying about disaster. the list of things I got through this summer...some with some small amount of style...is striking. and I know a batch of people who, from the start of it through the worst of it, would feel silly grateful to have been me.
I'm one of them.
and from the end of March, if I could have had the Great Editor take these months out of the final cut...I would have insisted on keeping the full director's cut of the movie intact.
a summer that could have ranged from a 7 all the way to a 10 instead had some 3 to 4 areas. but never dipped below the axis.
these days, the kind of thing I enjoyed and got through for awhile, I'm pretty much just enjoying.
Bonnie said, are you going to keep your blog going after you're done being sick?
I've been infrequent in my visits to it, and I kind of apologize. I'm still getting mad pleasure from what I am becoming able to do again, and doing too much of it. in the next months, I'm getting away for awhile with each of the girls...heaven knows they deserve it for what they have been going through, and it won't hurt me a bit. and I'll be trying to keep the musical plates spinning happily on their sticks, like the guy on Ed Sullivan.
but I'll write.
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