still life

it's still life.

fighting for one's life, I believe, is still life.

life, just to be able to be here, isn't all we want. life isn't set up that way...we aren't set up that way. when continuation isn't threatened (more than it is for any of us at any time), we rise and fall according to the life we seek to make for ourselves, over and above life itself.

life isn't all we want.

but when we are fighting for it, it seems like all we want, all we could ever want.

the scan yesterday was trouble.

the neck area on both the MRI and the C-T (did a Jewish guy name that reverentially, after not wanting to dare to invoke the name of G-D?) were cloudy. we hope the white areas are good old fashioned scar tissue. if that had been all there was, it would have been at the shortest three months of, go live and come back for a scan where we hope to see more, Seymour.

but there were a half a dozen spots showing up in my lungs.

that weren't there in the PET scan (very expensive for the amount of evaporated milk it consumes) in May.

this isn't normal, Dr. Nemechek kept saying.

and once...that is one pissed off tumor.

Metastatic Sarcoma.

google it if you want to. I did. it isn't pretty.

I'm not going to recount the online prognosis here...you're going to have to wait, like I am, 'til Thursday.

'til then, everything's on hold. was going to go to California from November 6 to November 18th...that's in serious question now.

it takes a lot for me not to tell you everything, dear reader, who did not have to take on one more person's burden but chose to anyway. you deserve disclosure. and you will get it after my appointment.

I don't want to be responsible for a War-of-the-Worlds-like panic in the streets. especially prematurely. plenty of time to panic after Thursday.

today, it's still life. I feel healthy and like myself. and I have a choice...to let that in and love it, or throw it away.

it'll probably be some of each....