wow

when I started coughing more Tuesday night, after the group vocal session, I was afraid.

everyone who seems way burdened, overshadowed by my health stuff, deeply saddened, I have been telling...look. these are not those days. in these days, I have to surf through the effects of therapy but so far the cancer itself has been pretty much asymptomatic. it would be really, really silly not to let the light of these days in, as a way to prepay for the real hard days that no one knows will come or not.

but Tuesday I was Redd Foxx. this is it, Elizabeth. the big one.

yesterday I kept my daily appointments. but I was as flattened as a cold has ever made me. last night, I sent away my support system...they couldn't do anything for me, I couldn't do anything for them, I just had a flat stretch of I-80 Wyoming to drive through, and I wasn't (figuratively) to Rock Springs yet.

I'm a baby. this has been suffering enough for me.

Dr. Elias' nurse reassured me that what I was feeling was not "the big one", and as long as I wasn't feverish, things were not unusual.

fucking hope they aren't precisely usual, either.

janice, lisa, kathy, and debra have all kind of been feeling poorly as well, a little cough, stomach stuff. maybe just the usual virulent Colorado winter disease pastime.

I have not moved today. edited a little Pro Tools, then just put my body away.

it's going to be ok. think I'm a little better now.

all the cancer stuff is right where it was. hope, and a scan in 5 weeks. and no sense of changing course even if that is disappointing. stay the course.

I can't help wishing I could access health, though, though healthy means. this business of health equals toxins...people around me are starting to crack. fish oil. acupuncture. exotic additives.

I wish I felt that some substance could be so blessedly completely loaded with health that it would be worth bringing it in from China and refining it, so that when it went into my body light and life and strength would shine out every pore, that I could fight illness with rightness and have done with it.

I feel that way when I eat an apple sometimes. remember? remember healthy? cold, juicy, crisp, full of sun, full of nature...like a crucifix held to the undead life in my body, dawn melting away the motionless form I have been these couple of days, replacing it with Healthy Scott.

thing is, I have a paradigm.

we do not arrive where we are meant to be by the addition of some unknown exotic even toxic additive. we don't get better stereo sound by adding expensive equalizers, processors, the latest gizmo.

we get good sound by preserving, at all costs, what is there and already perfect.

strangely, that kind of keeps me from questing for faith healers and miracle additives, while signing up for an experimental anti cancer drug. Elena Klaver says, western cures for western diseases.

she also said the only time she threw up in chemotherapy was when she took a batch of naturopathic pills. she found it quite ironic.

organic isn't exotic. organic is real. myAudioQuest cables are specialized, rarefied, way too expensive....but not exotic. they are the basics, carried to amazing lengths.

hope I feel better tomorrow