ah hates to do it...but it has ta be done...

since the party, things haven't been pretty here. my right arm is feeling the burden of the impacting of the shoulder tumor, both in terms of playing guitar and in terms of, say, eating. my right arm's been pretty useless to me. and that has just felt like an annoyance to me , where once it would have felt like it was taking a tremendous cost from my former life. no more driving cars, gigging, playing guitar, no more days without arm pain, extra care in every activity to keep from accidents and spilling.

I owe over a hundred people deeply grateful, rhapsodic, touched and emotional emails in response to their most generous participation in the Celebration of Life! this body won't be writing those emails, and I will focus my responses to the participation of one and all in this site.

I'm Sorry.

for anyone who contributed here, or to "Scott's Account" more personally, and hoped that it might have some pull on me to do some work on their music...believe me, the spirit here is wiling but the flesh is deserting rank at a scary rate.

more important than anything in the arm arena is the whole breathing arena. I'm on high oxygen here...scary high...and still short of breath a lot here.

and none of that is as formidable as the pull I feel on my mind. it seems like breath strain relief and pain relief are both very related to morphine and dilaudid. I've been asking myself if I feel any blurring of memory or acuity, any loss of sharpness, right along.

the results are in. I don't think I can be in much more denial of it much longer. I feel like people feel when a dreamy, exotic, tempting aroma wafts over them from an open window, or sun on denim...the invitation to just go where it pulls you to go. I find myself talking to someone from a dream, who isn't really here anymore... and unable to hold onto some thoughts that I need to finish a train I need in the real world. how to set up the studio...the stereo...what components would mean less moving of cords around.

or maybe I should just nod off to sleep....

so I'm majoring in patient these days. and while I still can, writing a lucid (enough) email to friends, family, cohearts, saying....these are the days of miracle and wonder, and I know every one of you would rather have me share another one on the planet than to work on a part for a project for them that lessens the survival chances.

if someone needs a refund, I will totally understand...but right now, I'm backing way off on all visits or recording, investing these days and hours of feeling better into Patient Scott.

I'm Sorry.

love, Scott