I see you

that's where I ended up today. in the ICU.

and, man, let me tell you, was that care intensive! there must have been eight people in here, all staring at my vitals like a ticker tape.

today was the worst it's been. can't talk without coughing. can't turn over without coughing. no sleep. no comfortable position. real constant trouble breathing.

after much, much, much ado, they did another drainage, anticipating the permanent catheter to drain the fluid at home will go in tomorrow.

I was not in great shape to withstand the procedure.

but it brought immediate relief, from difficulty breathing. much better, again.

still feel lassooed by the other stuff. but it still feels like relief. maybe sleep tonight.

the fact that they have seen nothing that necessitates skipping steps...that they're going for the dare, before the double dog dare, and way before the triple dog, is vaguely encouraging. gives hope that some intermediate step will work.

I can stick with the thoroughly defeated feeling I had this morning...or start courting the ghosts of the gigs this week I didn't think there was any way I could do, silly as that would be...

I guess what I'm feeling right now is...."this ain't over until I say it's over!"

my Dear Hearts and Gentle Readers had much more courage and fight than I've had today.

til now.