I told you I would tell you

when those days are these days.

those days where things are serious. those days when it's really trouble.

I think those days are here.

I can't breathe. I have a machine that gives me ten liters of oxygen a minute. I still can't lay flat and breathe.

any movement makes me cough hard.

I can't sleep. I haven't trusted myself to stand up long enough to take a shower.

I'm checking myself into university of colorado hospital in aurora this morning.

the pleural effusion seems to help for a few hours. after that, things get back to bad quickly. even with a permanent catheter, I can't see it being the source of real relief. maybe, but hard to imagine.

there's supposedly an operation where they put talc in your lungs, to keep the fluid from being made. can it really help something on this order?

after that is the life threatening, full cut open, weeks in the hospital recovering removal of the tumor from the lung.

in any case, as of now, everything is cancelled. I can't do anything....gigs, sessions, anything. I'm checking in this morning.

I love life. but it has always been a part of life that it was never made to never end.