comfort

I take maybe ten pills in the morning

they should be kind of doing something...

I'm on 15 liters of o2. should help.

I'm on a basal rate (tiny) of steady morphine. in addition, I can add a bollus of morphine once every fifteen minutes...which I've been doing some in the day, and more to help sleep at night.

my guess is...most if not all of the relief I'm finding is from those.

it's not impooooooooooooooossible (as Tom Jones might sing) that I am getting some relief from the radiation, which over weeks, could be looked to to actually shrink the lung tumor that is pressing on the heart that is causing the afibrillation which is...sometimes I think Rube Goldberg actually invented the human body...or the guys that invented the Ideal game, "Mousetrap".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mouse_Trap_(board_game)

so...it's pooooooooos'ble (thinking Gomer Pyle now) that there could be some actual relief from the radiation. but too little chance to make smart money betting on.

mostly, I think, these are good days on the high wires I'm balancing on.

breathing, kind of normalish. pain, remarkably low as always. standing weaker every day...so I mustn't be confused with feeling more like I can stand.

I saw the new mic.

I was so clear about this being Transition time, forgetting all of the temptations of clinging to the life I made, and clinging to my living with an eye to moving on.

now I've been comfortable enough, had some company...thinking...a couple more days like this, maybe not so bad...really never go home again? really never hear the new mic?

goal #1...oddly and obviously as it sounds...is for me to comfortable just being still, just resting.

yes, I have the Chris Daniels like mania to get back the old. but our cases are different. just take it easy, Dash...make sure you hold on to the comfort you have, don't risk it by trying too much too soon, or anything ever...

Tony, Don, and Mary came by yesterday. they reminded me of when, putting together the Lon Hannah album release show at Scott O'Malley's place in Colorado Springs, Mary, Amy Nugent, and Beth Leachman were the Lonnettes. I'm going to be hard to impress if I hear actual angels sing later.

I was talking with Lost Alamos, Brian and Vicki, about the classic cute sheen of the second Dixie Cups album, "Ridin' High"...yes, the "Chapel of Love" girls, but this time recording in their native New Orleans. great studio sound...and all the way cute but completely charming songs!! things Ry Cooder would have put on any LP.

I have long had a dream of three females singing those songs...I supposed I'd play. no one has flipped for these songs like I have...but once through the harmony stacks, I projected they would fall under their sway.

last nigh, my dream was The Lonnettes.

but me in bed with a Papoose, Vickie Bynum, and kathy and lisa ("The Pop Tarts")...arranging the vocals...

like the dog with a bone in its mouth, staring at the dog with the bone in its mouth in the reflected water....dropping my comfort to have the arrangement dream, losing all in hopes of both...

I decided, since I don't want funeral service, grave site, headstone, inscription, that I would tell everyone what I envisioned in my heart as a summing up for my life. it's one of Tom Verlaine's

hyper-poetic lines:

"Dream Dreams the Dreamer"

my dream of music (and my life) has dreamed and will dream me all of my life.

more later, I believe

Scott

(p.s. I also decided on a benediction, something from me to my cohearts, something deeper and less general that it may come out sounding.

but my heart says,

love to all

Scott)