it's been resonant enough that whether it ever literally happens or not is almost secondary for me.
in this visualization, I am walking through Heaven, with company from my life. I am me, my memory and consciousness continuing,
but not me, in that I've now seen the answers from the back of the book...remember in grade school texts, like math texts, how they would often print the answers to all of the exercises in the back of the book, secure in the knowledge that any student who didn't already understand the process wouldn't be able to make hide nor hair of the answers either?...
so I am walking through Heaven, but not at that point hashing out these answers, secure that even what I do not understand is understood in this realm. no longer taken by anger, suffering.
yeah, what a relief for you and me both.
I take the first walk with my mother, who also is in Heaven...I'm not in this visualization sure who wouldn't get to be there, whose afterlife this would not be...and she is equally free of her anger and suffering. equally more her "real" self, by which I mean, without the agenda that made our lives both miserable when I was a child.
and we are laughing.
I'll come back to that.
also in my firmament quilt is a piece that does too much for me to want to let go of - that , as star children, who we are sent down to to be our parents is based on their need, the world's need at the moment, our ability to withstand the waves of hurt and dark that it will be our lifelong assignment to try to damp down,
those things, and choice...that we volunteer for our parents, that we have something to say about where we go.
so a departing star baby might say, in the way that there is communication there, don't send someone more precious to that man and that woman...that angel boy could never make it. it's a tricky, hard assignment - let me try to be the one to do it.
ok, might come the dispatch, but it isn't going to be easy.
my mother and I are laughing on our debriefing walk.
"man, was I sure right when I picked you! what a mess!"
"ok, ok, but I had my own assignment, and that had been no picnic, either. I mean...I was clueless..."
"well, Mom, we both were clueless."
"but you, you didn't make a damn (sic) thing easier, Scott. here I was, just starting to get around the corner trying to commit to stuffing my angel voice where I'd never hear it and living to express anger...then here's this little ball of will, everywhere, yelling out everything that showed me every day how impossible that choice was going to be!"
laughter
"want me to say I'm sorry, Ma?"
"no, no, it's why you were there...I just...if I'd known..."
"you knew"
"yeah, just...well...wasn't that a time?"
"quite a time, quite a place, quite an assignment. I took on about as much water as I was able to bail for most of it."
"yes, and I didn't notice your choices for light and for anger springing all the way back once I was watching you from up here!"
laughter
"in that world, we're always looking for some scapegoat to blame our choice for either life of anger on...someone or something about life that made us close down, go away..."
"Scott, I wasn't the reason for your angry choices any more than you were mine, no matter how many times we tried to say we were."
"I know I tamped down some small bit of wave from the Depression and the World Wars, but I was an angry guy...not clued in by any means, but..."
"but you did what you were meant to do when we had you...to do one person's share towards light and growth, to go beyond us. I was always so proud of you up here, even when you were still trying to figure things out."
"and Mom, as determined as you were not to show me sometimes, I never lost sight of your halo, of this you. decades later, I would find some capacity for beauty, some taste for the light of that world, and realize that it had its origins in what I had seen in you."
"well, couldn't we have completed our assignments without being quite so hard on each other???"
laughter
"nah."
a series of walks through Heaven, with my father, my sister, maybe others I was touched by in my time in the material world, now fast becoming, in Heaven, totally immaterial.
I go through this long exegesis because, 1. I can. pixels are cheap., 2. if not here, where?, but
because this last week has been a series of walks through Heaven for me.
even though I am still an angry, willful cuss somewhere between curmudgeon, cantankerous, and contrarian, holding doors closed for decades just because that is what I do, I have felt more ready in my present context to give my arms a rest and look at where things are today.
I pretend otherwise, but it's probably the forced perspective of the guy considering Transition.
this has been the most social two weeks on my life. it continues.
you guys know, I would be doing gigs, sessions, meet and interact with people on that basis. push the button for me today, and I'd go right back to it.
I haven't chosen to "visit " much. schmuck.
I'm choosing it now.
ok, dammit, I'll name names.
it was a walk through Heaven yesterday and today with Dave Bell, my archetypal friend from high school, in some ways my last (til modern times) male friend.
it's lightening the relationship to call it a Bromance. we were close. to say we had stuff that got in the way sometimes between us is also to just say...we were close.
in the brother - Lennon/ McCartney - kind of usual relationship way, we started out by marvelling at our common interests...reflective thought, playing guitar, listening to music, maybe a healthy side order of living in the late 60's and whatever that next decade was.
at some point, the appetite for self definition starts to ask for distinctions within the partnership. I 'm still becoming shocked at realizing how competitive I could feel with David...who sees himself full of "can'ts" but in my eyes had a lot going for him in the world I would never have...
over time, Dave found the love of his life (I didn't), took on "the beast" and became a lawyer, had kids, and and became much more involved in philosophy and religion than I knew I would ever. in my own standing in my way way, I kind of took on the music and more music aspect of life. kept reaching for better sound, more playing music and the kinds of skills it got me to develop.
we didn't stay in touch so much after awhile, and I don't know that either of us went on to new frontiers of male friendship, either. we had the warm feeling of having had something, the ache of missing it.
I felt a beautiful generous Dave who flew right here to see me this week. not above reminiscing, not held back about sharing his present stuff with me. fun, and a walk in Heaven for me. I felt there was much left undone, unsaid when it was over.
but I had I had a strong sense of ok, back then was then, and the 80's was then, and three years ago was then, and this isn't.
I think if I Miracle Cured...I'd want to have some times with this guy.
a walk through Heaven.
I should sleep. but he wasn't the only one. I've heard people say to me in the past two weeks, oh, yeah, I'm over all that old shit you and I went through now. it's an amazing thing to hear. and can I face straight up in the mirror that I've been more ready to be over that old shit now too?
I'd better.
I have been for a few years now threatened by new male friendships. as in, Scott, let this in or just give up.
if occasionally challenged, still I don't give up. atrial retentive little Scott boy. you can't control which way you're heading always, but you can always control which way you're facing.
I'm going to try to speak with Dr. Gore by phone tomorrow. it's time to find out some stuff.
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