the blessing and curse of days, I told someone recently is that they go.

today isn't yesterday, which now was arguably the worst day of my life.

I probably won't leave the hospital today. but I slept well, eating good, walking to the bathroom by myself, where yesterday it was a three person project. no pain, as long as I don't do anything at all with my neck.
practically comfortable. give or take the steroids, restful.

with ocasional moods of, I don't like this. I don't like this.

the next weeks haven't changed much for me. somewhat harder surgery recovery, I'm guessing. radiation as soon as possible...two weeks from monday, he's saying. and he's talking about the area he left in of the tumor, the grit, getting some gamma knife/ cyber knife "boost" during the radiation...an added hardship, an added blessing.
it was going to be a matter of getting through the gigs the next weeks, after recovering...and it still is a matter of that.
but with even a stronger sense over those weeks of an important gamble.
if radiation does the trick, I'll be fully functional and, save for a handful of reminders that may never go away, pretty much back in my life.
if it doesn't, it's off to the next stop on the medical mystery tour, spinal nerve cancer edition. he says we usually treat two ways at one...surgery and radiation, radiation and chemo. I think if they do another operation on me, open me up again, it would take away the stuff we've been fighting to save.
one good thing Andy said is that the operation stuns healthy organs and cells...but it also stuns malignant cells. I was fearing that these multicentimeter tumors can grow in weeks, and what if there are a couple of centimeters more by radiation time?
his answer was...would it change our approach?
no. we would still send radiation up to bat. but it works best on microscopic and grit sized troubles.
so I would feel the chances go down of its success.

what I'm trying to find an analogy for is the constant constructing of a model of the disease, living it with it for an hour or a few days, then the most recent information totally smashed. and revealing a more serious threat.

I mean, as Arlo would say, I meeeeeeeeeeeean here I am on the group W bench...

twenty years I have a slow growing tumor in my neck. dime. quarter. by the time it reached quarter, ten years ago, I was having it scanned, the doctors saying it can't be anything.
new model...Dr. Lipkin says, it needs to be addressed, we'll leave the nerve and clean the outside.new model...Dr. Nemechek says, it doesn't look like anything, but needs to come out.
new model...it starts hurting before the surgery. Doc says it's probably on the 11th nerve, and we can't move the surgery sooner, we'll fix it then.
new model...at the surgery, not on the 11th, but some unnamed nerve. go recover.
new model...pathology show it's malignant. radiation is prescribed. need a PET scan to show if it's metastisized anywhere else in the body.
new model PET scan shows it nowhere else in my body. we can't tell, says Andy, if it's in the old surgery area, because healing tissue can't be told apart from malignant tissue. MRI won't tell that either, but it will serve as a baseline for future scans.
new model. we go into the radiologists office to get a date on the start of radiation. MRI shows another lump described by Dr. Casey as a button or nubbin. a second operation is indicated.
new model. Nemechek calls. it's more like a thumb. danger to voice box, possible removal of SCM and 11th nerve, possible impact on both playing and singing.
new model. a couple of days before second surgery, Nemechek's call is reassuring to me. new MRI shows nothin in operating area, and a 2.1 centimeter growth. get that, shut the door with radiation, wait and hope for no recurrence.
new model. all the things I prayed for stay intact. Nemechek takes out a 3.8 to 4 cm growth leading right up to the spinal nerves. he dare not cut any more, and leaves some tumor grit behind, with some staples showing right where radiology can use a gamma or cyber knife to take away it's will to grow.
had it been on the 11th to begin with, this problem would not have happened. not as lucky as we thought.

I have a German heritage, and Scotch, and I depend too much on structure.
but all the best modelmaking minds involved on this have not been able to predict the course of it worth poop.
and it keeps getting more serious with each model.
I'm one of those cancer roulette wheel guys now. pay your money and faite vos jeux.
it's like one of those murder mysteries where at every turn, the former friends seem like foes, stuff you thought you knew for fact is discounted, facts come to light that necissitate a complete mental reconstuction of the murder...
and every chapter pulls you further in, raises the stakes, becomes more serious.

I don't like it.

it's a relef to get mad at the not knowing, the mental labor of remodeling. but it isn't the surprise that is hard...the hard stuff is the stuff, the seriousness of the cancer, every clearer insight is of a more serious problem.
Andy says...if it were a melanoma, I 'd point to thousands of cases and I could tell you how freaked out to be. now I can't.
he is very proud of the surgery. it took a long time. it was a mess in there. he came away with everything, and/ or a plan.

but I don't like any of it one bit.

I'm a little worried I won't be in any shape for the gigs in the beginning of june...but it's as always way too early to tell. couldn't do it today...

the structure thing should come in handy in the next few weeks...every day, I'll settle into what we know, and what to do about it, and I'll be able to treat my fears about the outcome like the fear of falling when I look out over a cliff...yes, falling would suck, and the best way to stay balancd is to focus on the walking, not the falling.

lastly, I said to the girls.

it's hell to feel so helpless, like there's nothing you can do. but even that isn't the truest truth.
yes, there's nothing we can do that would be in and of itself sufficient to cause the healing we want
to happen.
but we can exert a pull on the outcome, in the area of mental and physical healing and health. not a sufficient one, but a very very necessary one.
the stronger I am...the more grateful for everything I have, the more supported I feel, the more positive energy is shown me...the better I can make everything that I need to do to heal.
I remember when the doctor's office told me the insurance wasn't authorizing the PET scan. it was on the day formerly known as the worst in my life. and I caved. all of the medical stuff, and now to have a shadow of financial stuff to worry about as well!!
well, it's still thought that insurance will come around. but the point is, if I don't have to worry about bands freaking out over me not being there, about friends kind of suddenly being absent, of girls not taking care of themselves as if that would do any good...then I can dedicate 99% of my CPU strength to getting better, to dealing with only those shadows. maybe even get a model of some good ways to stay positive.
and that is exactly what I'm being given.

so, we are not helpless. and what you are doing for me, giving me, really matters, really pulls in the right direction. really. thanks.