he said the tumor board (!) met yesterday and looked at the MRI. it was clear to Drs. Casey and Nemechek, and the other members, that there was a growth showing up...Casey said it was the size of a button. he felt it was further along the same nerve.
he said that the consensus was that another operation would be needed to remove it, the sooner the better.
he said he couldn't comment on the surgery itself...which is where all my questions were. it was a brief meeting, and it stunned both lisa and I.
we went upstairs, to Dr. Nemechek's office.
jeannette, one of his receptionists, has his best interest at heart, and does her best to keep everyone from calling him every minute, somewhat like George Bailey during the run on the bank. as I sometimes say about myself, some days I can either make and take the calls, or do the day.
jeannette said he was in surgery all day and probably would not check in after.
so, putting together the pieces I knew, I began to adjust. a much smaller growth, an easier operation, maybe a shorter one, better for anaesthesia, and for recovery. then three to five weeks til radiation starts.
if I were a batter, I said, these would be balls. keeping me from going ahead...but not setting me further back. I liked the idea of Dr. Nemechek being in there knowing , this time, that there was malignancy, giving the radiation less to have to work on.
all well out of the way of loss of ability to play, to sing, way away from the really bad cancers, way away from chemotherapy...I could invest such without despair.
even waiting...again...for the doctor's call...today or tomorrow, I'l find out.
he did call, a little after five.
it's about like the front part of a thumb, he said. he spoke a lot of going in at a more conventional angle to get it. he said, it could be benign, it could be a lymphoma, it could be a lymphoma with malignant cells, or it could be de novo (a term I learned from the geneticist) meaning newly come into existence of its own.
I said, but it didn't image in January's MRI.
he said, I know, that's got me a little freaked. and an excellent reason to take it out.
then he said...the location is somewhat closer, as the crow flies, to my voice box.
so...there is a risk, he said, of sacrificing my voice to cancer.
he said there are excellent rehabilitation options, and the voice can be brought back...but not, he said, to your standard of perfection.
yeah, I hate it when a sub perfect voice attempts "Wooly Bully".
he also mentioned again, I don't know if you want me to take out the SCM and 11th cranial nerve while I'm in there, just to be safe. he has said that rehabilitation is possible in those cases...no comment made about any standard of perfection in my guitar playing. like I say, smart guy.
he'd use the same incision. start radiation maybe three weeks after.
I said, but it probably won't be the big hammer, like the last operation, will it?
he said, be ready for the big hammer.
I still have lots of questions. is this risk, this urging to be ready for the worst...is it the small print on the bottom of an aspirin bottle, quoting rare but real cases of spontaneous combustion after taking? is it, well, flip a coin? what percent is it warning of the consequences of a technical slip, what percent is it "when I go in there, I may find some stuff that needs doing"?
I've had things happen in my life. broken heart days. polyp operation. stolen guitars.
ok...I guess I've never really had anything happen in my life. it's been the daydream of a favored son.
today was the worst of it.
not specifically over the line I drew, between the unpleasant and the unbearable. but having every possibility to go there.
I have, as some know and some could not, an inclination to let things I love disappear too easily. the shadow voices say, you'll never sing or play again.
it's almost like we'd rather pretend we could know the bleakest outcome, than not knowing.
("well, I was never any good anyway", I'd say)
we spoke of surgery being on the 20th.
so, some gigs are going to roll.
letting down the bands. not bringing in badly needed money. these are the things human nature would have me transfer my genuine crises to.
money has always worked out and it always will. in fact, I'm no doubt way over my deductible for the year...so I think most everything will be free. far be it from me to resist a 2 for 1 sale, even from a doctor.
it's time to mistell Dave Bell's Zen story on the meaning of life.
a man is chased for his life on a high plain. his enemy is gaining, his body's throbbing. there is an end to the plain ahead, a cliff.
sure enough he goes over the cliff, and holds onto a small root, hanging. his enemy finds him and begins to apply foot pressure to his hands. the root starts to come out.
suddenly, to the side, the man notices and instantly loves, one beautiful wild white flower, growing out of the mountain.
these are such beautiful days. all of my music stuff has been so great, people great to see again.
body better every day, the miracle of healing.
on the worst day of my life.
If it's a lymphoma, and it appears more than once, does that make you a lymphomaniac?
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