words

are thought of as ways to describe our experiences, our world. ways of showing other people what it is like to be us, in the midst of what we are going through.

words are thought of as shining light on our path.

and they do...but less in the manner of a sun, more in the manner of a spotlight, illuminating chosen subjects in chosen ways, and with shadows often cast in just as intentional a manner.

words organize thought, and thus genuinely influence perception.

"on this tour, Spinal Tap is playing clubs and smaller venues, instead of the arenas they were in last time. do you think the band's popularity is waning?"

"no. no, no. oh, no. not at all. I just think the band's appeal is becoming more selective."

a spin worthy of a Derek Taylor...we have to consciously say, hey, wait a second...

Derek Taylor was the one who, in 1964 as The Beatles' press agent, responded to comments that The Beatles' music was ephemeral and would be soon forgotten by saying that he would be very much surprised if, in thirty years, these very songs were not considered the core classics of popular music.

for someone to just say those words required so much reorganizing of the perception of most people at the time that it went a long way towards making the words true.

it was Derek who was brought in by The Beach Boys in 1966, when the stretch between the surf-and-cars formula that had brought success and the movement towards "rock" music of substance threatened to leave the Boys behind. Mike Love didn't "get" what would have to happen for The Beach Boys to stay in pop music; neither did the record company.

but Derek Taylor knew that Brian Wilson did. and Derek was asked to put a spin on the band that would make them "cool".

his response was to say, "Brian Wilson is a genius."

it was a statement no one could dispute, but that no one had ever quite seen in that way before. suddenly the strict conventions of fun in the sun songs were the early playground of a musical genius...not a trap for the band forever. and...what is that genius doing now?

those words were carefully chosen spotlights, with shadows that covered just what needed to be covered...shadows that would later play a part in engulfing and obscuring Brian himself.

I've had some recent shadows to deal with.

and I get the Law of Attraction. I do.

I hear that, to fear something, you have to create a space inside you for it to exist, which is the very thing you're trying not to do.

I realize there is 1. codependence, constructing yourself along the lines of something outside of yourself, 2. rebellion, constructing yourself according to the contrary of something outside of yourself, and 3. independence, constructing yourself solely along the lines of what is inside you.

and I see that rebellion is more codependent than codependence, creating inside you the very thing you were rebelling against.

"what you resist, persists" say the ESTers, though I am not sure whether or not they still persist.

I have had a good number of great people tell me, everything is going to be alright.

it is so the right sentiment.

but I've stopped short of constantly saying it, to myself and others.

my days have been so much the matter of each step, finding the best thing to do right now on the healing path.

this is what we do when we believe in the path.

I've let myself imagine next Christmas, saying, wow, that was sure a hard time, sure glad it all came out ok.

but mostly, these days are the days. this stuff here seems like the important stuff. I can't, no matter what I do today, relocate one invasive cell. but I can make a day's deposit in the energy bank, for the radiation leafblower to come, the high tech light that I need to discourage those cells' will to live before it discourages mine.

in that quest, The Rolling Stones' Exile On Main Street remaster, say, is a potent and necessary weapon.

but as well, yesterday, I found just the spotlights I want, the words with just the mood lighting for these times.

these are going to be very, very, very good days.

it's a prediction, as much as "everything is going to be alright"

but it resonates in me in just the right way. it seems correct.

for one thing, every day will bring its increased level of health. and, man, nothing is more welcome. today is a week since the second operation...and it's a very very very good day.

I'm seeing both Dr. Nemechek and the radiation doctor, getting staples out (yeah baby!), and anticipating no new model, only steps on the path we've set.

it would take a great deal of focus, in these days when I'm feeling better every day and adding in more and more aspects of my usual life, to remember that I still have tumor cells, and that the big fight is going to happen in the radiation, and that there isn't going to be an "all clear", only periodic "no problem yet" scans.

there will be a temptation to just get carried away by the return of so much that I love, all the things I live to do.

I intend to make the most of that temptation.

so, everything is going to be alright. really.

but I like the spotlights of my chosen words, and also the shadows that fall over certain aspects of what I am seeing. these are going to be very, very, very good days.

p. s. it seems like Joni Mitchell's "Shadows and Light" would tie in nicely with this writing.

it actually doesn't.

but I was reminded of it, and I do still think it's one of the coolest things ever written.

so here's the first verse:

Every picture has its shadows
And it has some source of light
Blindness, blindness and sight
The perils of benefactors
The blessings of parasites
Blindness, blindness and sight
Threatened by all things
Devil of cruelty
Drawn to all things
Devil of delight
Mythical devil of the ever-broken laws
Governing blindness, blindness and sight