why do I feel as good as I do?

I don't get it.

it was a longer, messier surgery according to Dr. Nemechek.

maybe I'm still flushing steroids out of my system.

but I feel like getting into some trouble. doing projects.

now, there's a new spot in my neck that isn't happy. I don't know what it's going to want, need, hate. and I am so not even turning my head.

but I walked for about a half hour yesterday...short of breath a little, but not uncomfortable at all.

parts of me feel like they are still healing, better every day, from the first surgery. much of me hasn't lost much health.

it is an axiom of mine that, just when you feel you can depend on life to fuck you over, it turns around and messes you all up.

I thought this would be ground I'd have walked six weeks or so ago. that I'd know the territory. I don't. I need to keep my eyes open every day. need to look around for what works, what doesn't.

I feel a little more laryngeal stuff in my throat, as if I were coming down with something. I think it's just breathing tube hangover...but I'm not leaping into singing...not really supposed to talk much.

but I feel, stitched up and breathing hard, low energy, good.

I don't get it. but I'll take it. if somehow I improved from here for a fortnight, I might well be able to attend some gigs, do some stuff.

that would be happymaking.

it's just this dissonant combination of being a real nightmare...and kind of ok.