ready to not be in hospital, as the Brits say, anymore

I went to sleep about 1am. when the nurse came in at quarter after 5, I coudn't believe how exhausted I was. I thought I'd conk right out again...she changed the IV, and I know I'm getting some steroids throughout...anyway, I'm kind of awake, and feeling like I can stay pretty comfortable in a bed as long as head turning is not required.
back muscles seem to still be healing from the first surgery, not reaggravated...SCM was really trouble right at the end of surgery, but now is quite content as long as I don't turn. something new in my neck is unhappy, but this recovery is going to be different from the last, and I still don't know how. I'll leave my eyes open to the possibilites of some things being easier, better. but it was a long tricky surgery, and I'm still in hospital where I was out after one day last time.

the mind and body are amazing. there's healing, which is like running the game tape of the injury backwards, until it unhappens.
but there's also adapting to trauma with going into shock, which changes the pain threshold. both mentally and physically.
when I thought this surgery was going to be quick and clean, I felt impatient. as the nurse had trouble setting up the IV, inside I was feeling unlucky...and really nauseated for the first time in this hospital experience. . they had confusion about the time...7am or 7:30am...and I felt impatient.

now, with the heaviness of the outcome of the surgery, all that stuff has slid to the background, and I'm pretty freaking patient. go ahead, step on my blue suede shoes if you need to, just help me get good.
and today isn't the 20th anymore. somehow this resilient mind...aided by a body that is pretty comfortable today...is coming to terms with where this all is, what needs to be faced.

these next weeks are going to be close to what I thought. job 1- healing. and being told by my body what that is, what works and doesn't, how long.
radiation two and a half weeks from now. I'll meet with them this thursday or friday, and have a better picture of what's involved. I was tired last week. I'm exhausted now. with radiation...who knows?
then some kind of wait to see how it all worked.

I remember the weekend after I heard John Lennon had been killed.
Pete Mc Cabe, with whom I was living in Hollywood, said he woke up the morning after to John's voice yelling, "Help!" on the radio. it was hard for him
I didn't know if I could play Beatles songs again. yeah, yeah, yeah...no. that's how it felt.
it was three days or so later I came to the place of, now it's more imortant than ever to sing those songs.

I bought a lucky poster to guide me through this last surgery. when I heard the news, I said, that's it, no more lucky posters.

this morning, I'm feeling lucky again.

debra asked Dr. Nemechek a question about what stage to call this cancer. he responded that it was unstaged. I volunteered, off-Broadway.
I went from an asymptomatic disease to a pain free recovery from the first surgery. limitations, discomfort, but no pain. people in this building would kill to be able to have that. some of them staff.
I anticipate another pain free recovery this time.
lucky, lucky, lucky.

I had a huge malignant tumor in my head. that's fucking serious. to get away with that and still have physical ability to do music...I'm going to be awful lucky.
and I think that's as likely an outcome as any; we might just get away with it.

but in the weeks to come, doing music is going to be very important to me. it's Job 2. I am going to do everything I can to heal...but that includes doing what I love. Nemechek said so in so many words, and I knew it anyway.
I may have to sit down. I may need cartage. I don't know if I can do a gig in two weeks, or three.
I know the time will come, and I will be doing them.
according to this plan, the next rubicon is a ways off. now, two days ago, I had consigned recovery planning to a place I reserve for meteorologists. twenty years of schooling and you're right about half the time. I could toss a coin and get that percentage. plan, ptui...you're not fooling me with that jazz anymore.
not today.
no new model today. hopefully go home. heal. stay open to what that takes. do the radiation. see how enervating that is. stay with the music work as much as possible. find out what I can when I can after that.
visualize the grits getting lazier and lazier. we had an agenda, but it's just become too hard, maybe we'll let Scott be in charge of growth for awhile.
it's best, guys. really. you think you can kill me and go on without me...it doesn't work that way, honest. there is no I in team, but there is an M and an E, and me says, you're off the team.
life in the food chain is hard. but I'm at the top of it. I know you guys want to live and grow, as I do. I realize you could be less malignant than you are misinformed.
but there will be more and higher life on this planet if you cells go away somewhere, or go to sleep.

maybe I could get them that message if I got a cell phone.